I am sitting in the laundry room.  The kids are fighting again, my house is less than pristine, and I have hastily taken the homemade chocolate chip cookies out of the freezer that I had made for my kids to put in their lunch boxes for the week.  Hiding, being alone finally, away from the chaos of fighting kids and clutter, I let out a sigh of worn out, frustrated housewife.  Consuming the cookies, I get a sense of euphoria flowing through me.  Finally some relief from the stress.  Yet...at the same time I am silently crying because I know that I've tried so terribly hard to eat healthy lately.  Overnight oats and protein shakes and chicken with vegetables and rice - or better yet, cauli-rice.  Do I eat just one or two of them?  Oh no... I eat probably 10 and then after I feel sick, I eat two more.  

I am constantly fighting the battle of the bulge and I am always hiding from cameras because it makes me ill to see how far out of control my weight has gotten.  

My kids had been fighting all throughout the day.  Just nit-picking and such, and I would correct them, but at the same time, the chaos erroded away at my sanity and each bicker, I would think about the cookies in the freezer, or the ice cream at Sonic, or the chocolate covered rice crispy bars at the convenience store.  

The last straw was when my child - the one with the usual attitude - walked by his sister and spat in her cereal bowl while she was eating.  Of course I was LIVID.  Why is he so mean to her?  I told him, no, yelled at him that that was NOT OK and stuck him in the bathroom in yet another time out.  I usually respond with "please don't fight", "just get along", or the less than kind hot tempered threat of "if you don't stop it right now you are yada yada yada...."  

I don't like confrontation.  No, I loathe confrontation.  Ever heard the saying "I was such a nice person until I had children"?  Yup.   That was me. I was the peacemaker of my family of 11 growing up.  

So, when I yell or scream and get out of control, it is a hit to my self-esteem as a parent, my self-esteem as a person, (not to mention how it may have effected the self-esteem of my children.) 

Why do I always, ALWAYS turn to sugary sweets in my frustration?  I know why.  Because it makes me feel good.  It is a friend to me.  It doesn't talk back to me or fight or spit in it's sisters cereal bowl.   It is also my enemy.  I am obese.  I hate looking at myself in the mirror.  I hate dressing for church because I have to dress nice and I don't look nice in anything.  

I just had my 4th root canal done last week and it was painful - (A lot of the dental issues were from me not taking care of my teeth as a youth as well as ample treats around the house and the repercussions are coming back to get me) 

I really try to resist eating junk food, but I can't help myself.  I try and I try.  I will try again and I will win....  But I don't.... This happens again and again.  Over and over.  The scale is going up each month.  I don't even weigh myself anymore, but I know it is because my pants have made me have this thing called a "muffin top".  This muffin top is getting larger.  It hurts to sit for long because my pants are too tight. I refuse to buy bigger jeans because I don't want to give into the fact that I am getting bigger.  I tell myself that I won't let myself get bigger.  I'll fit into my jeans again.  I need to fight... so I just switch to stretchy pants.... real helpful, right?  

I am strong for a few days....until I feel stress again and I am sitting at the McDonalds eating a Big Mac, large fries and Diet Coke and oh yeah, a oreo and m&m McFlurry.  Of course no one knows this.  Not even my husband.  Especially not my husband.  I hide and eat junk.  That is my coping mechanism to stress.  This is what I call the cycle of sugar addiction.  It sucks royally.  I am trapped.... trapped in my body; in my mind.  I can't change.  Until recently....

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